Sooo my first boyfriend, ruined my perception of ever being in a relationship again. For a while just the thought of him conjured all of this rage and pain that seemed like it'd never go away.
You see, we lasted for one month and one week and one day. He asked me out one month before prom as he planned. Also slept over his ex's house that same night.
In the beginning of our relationship he told me he had dreams of embracing her, and that worried me. I told him if he still had any sort of feeling with her I'd be fine if he went back to her.
Better to return to her than to prolong a fake relationship right? He didn't think so.
No, he told me he had no existing attraction to her and wanted to be with me. What a stupid girl I was. I thought I found a great guy, someone who could comfort me, someone I loved...
It so happened that on Prom night when he slept over at his ex's house, they had a conversation about what went wrong in their previous relationship and wanted to fix it. So a few days later he walked me to my class. Gave me a kiss. Gave me a letter. A break up letter.
I cried for three hours straight, my teachers never said a word to me. I cried in front of everyone, I didn't care who saw me, it's not like I could see them through my tears anyway.
What happened was that he always had feelings for his ex, he just tried to hide them to make room for me. A ticking bomb that blew me right out of the picture, but even so I repainted myself right back in.
Stupid stupid girl.
He moved away to New York and abused his indirect relationship with the both of us.
This guy had the love of two girls, and toyed with the both of us. Break up with her through a text message and flirt with me the same night. Wake up in the morning receiving a myspace message that he got back with her.
Through that tough stage he decided to stay with me for quite a while, though we weren't officially dating. During that time things got rocky and we almost fought everyday about the stupidest things.
When he started school he made many friends and hung out with them all day. Never told me when he was coming home. Even called me at 1am because he had so much fun with his friends and forgot all about me.
Furious, I complained that I am put second to his friends, I couldn't put up with it anymore, and that he had to change. It was very true what I said and he knew it. The way I know this is because after that day he didn't contact me for months.
I was left hanging. That was his way of saying, it's over. At the time I really didn't know how to deal with it, I kept to myself for a while and didn't sleep well pondering about how it happened.
Around Christmas he sent me a message on myspace that he was coming to visit North Carolina and wondered if we could hang out. Was he high? Of course I didn't want to see him the damn jerk had the nerves to ask that.
Back then I made him promise, if he ever left me he'd have to give me his boxers. While he was in North Carolina he gave this giant envelope to one of my friends to give to me. Inside was a notebook he wrote about me, and origami heart, drawings of various things, and those stupid boxers. He even wrote a little something on the envelope.
"Even though you probably won't even open this I swore to god you'd get this. Do what you wish.
You hold a grudge like no other so you won't ever forgive me not that I deserve it. But I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I know that doesn't even begin to describe what I did to you, but you don't care what I have to say so I'm keeping it simple.
I just wish you could forgive me or at least not hate me...I miss our friendship..."
Some of the drawings I had a while ago I set to flames, and I planned on burning every content that was inside this envelope too. Though I never had the opportunity to do so.
Can't burn it in my backyard, my neighbor is a police. Can't burn it in my friend's backyard because she lives in townhouses. Can't burn it in a nearby forest because everyone would notice the smoke. What the hell was I suppose to do? So for while it kind've just chilled in a unseen spot of my room.
I was talking to my best friend Kelly today about it and we both think that once this envelope is gone I can find closure. We haven't decided how it's going to be done but when we do pictures will be taken.
I think when I have no remains left of him my anger and pain will to burn away, and I can be set free.
Jar full of hugs,
Kupo
